Sometimes I get so caught up with taking the high road, so caught up with being the bigger person and not clinging not wanting not projecting that I become obsessed with acceptance, obsessed with forgiveness, obsessed with compassion and loving kindness and release. It's like I want to skip an entire step in the whole conflict resolution process and jump directly to the end. The part where you kiss and make up and no hard feelings. The part where it's okay. The part where you don't deal with the hurt and the crying and the ugly words and possibly even uglier actions. The part with the tears and the snot and red puffy eyes, where you punch your pillow, the walls the air and scream, the part where you lie on the floor and you question everything and, god forbid, you feel resentment and even self-pity. Ouch.
I thought that if I could keep this composure, if I could dress the robes of calm, of peace, of non-aggression, of love, of kindness, of compassion and tolerance, if I could be this person in every circumstance and throughout every situation in my life then I would magically become so light that I would float over the ugly part, and not have to get muddled up in it. Skim the surface maybe. Dip my toes in possibly. But not past the ankles. Not past the knees. And never ever in a million years plunge so far in as to have my head barely floating above water.
Well I kept this composure. I dressed the robes and I was calm, and I was tolerant, and I was understanding, kind, forgiving, and all about the letting go. I was stoic and I stuck to my character throughout the entire story. Even when it was hard. Even when it was darn near impossible and went against everything my most primal insticts tried to tell me.

I still got hurt. I still got hurt and so badly that I cry and scream and pound my fists and ask why me and feel resentment and anger and (sigh) self-pity. I am not the image of everything that I wanted to be anymore. Far from it. I am the sad, weak, defeated human who has anxiety attacks and can't breathe.
Despite all my efforts to rise above, I still got caught up in the bad and the ugly and I am still treading the mud.
(And FYI, you can't jump to the end. It's just not possible)